I Know What it’s Like… -A Grieving Mom.

It has been almost 2 years since my last blog. 3.5 years since our beauty left this world.

There has been progress in so many areas and there have been new challenges that have surfaced. I think the biggest shift happened when I accepted that this is my new life. A life I did not and would not choose, but nevertheless I am so blessed in this life and I now get to live for my girl!

This alone brought on many challenges. There were times when I would feel certain feelings of anger and jealousy. Watching others with their babies here on earth, just longing for mine! I realized I am different than them. I have my own story. I have my new life.

I am a grieving mom. I began recording what this is like. I began accepting that this is my truth and embracing it. I want to post these thoughts so that other grieving moms know they are not alone in this nightmare. That living through this is possible. We are not aliens because of these feelings, we are the fierce loving mommies who lost a huge piece of who we are. These feelings as hard as they are, are so unique to us grieving mommies! My hope is that we will all learn to embrace this journey and love this life for our babies. And that others will learn to be gentle and kind to the grieving moms in their lives. To understand that these are daily thoughts we must conquer and accept and love.

“I Know What it’s Like…. -A Grieving Mom.

I know what it’s like…

To yell out your name in an empty house praying to hear you yell back.

To kiss your brother’s head and close my eyes and pretend it’s you for a second.

To wonder everyday what you would’ve been like. What is your style? Who are your friends? What are you into?

To look at pictures of your beautiful smile and listen to videos of your voice and laughter and feel both immense joy and immense pain at the same time.

To know that everyone feels so sorry for you. And wants to help, but can’t.

To look for any little way that I can honor you everyday.

To wake up with 2 babies but go to sleep with 1.

To kiss your cold lifeless body and just want nothing more than to wake you up one more time.

To always be sad. Even when I’m happy.

To look at death as a reunion that I look forward to everyday.

To want so badly to share your story but so scared to bring you up because I do not know if the tears will stop.

To be so scared that you will be forgotten.

To want so badly that it hurts, to have your death to mean something in this life.”