She is Ok.

It has been almost 2 years since my last blog. 3.5 years since our beauty left this world.

There has been progress in so many areas and there have been new challenges that have surfaced. I think the biggest shift happened when I accepted that this is my new life. A life I did not and would not choose, but nevertheless I am so blessed in this life and I now get to live for my girl!

This alone brought on many challenges. There were times when I would feel certain feelings of anger and jealousy. Watching others with their babies here on earth, just longing for mine! I realized I am different than them. I have my own story. I have my new life.

I am a grieving mom. I began recording what this is like. I began accepting that this is my truth and embracing it. I want to post these thoughts so that other grieving moms know they are not alone in this nightmare. That living through this is possible. We are not aliens because of these feelings, we are the fierce loving mommies who lost a huge piece of who we are. These feelings as hard as they are, are so unique to us grieving mommies! My hope is that we will all learn to embrace this journey and love this life for our babies. And that others will learn to be gentle and kind to the grieving moms in their lives. To understand that these are daily thoughts we must conquer and accept and love.

“I Know What it’s Like…. -A Grieving Mom.

I know what it’s like…

To yell out your name in an empty house praying to hear you yell back.

To kiss your brother’s head and close my eyes and pretend it’s you for a second.

To wonder everyday what you would’ve been like. What is your style? Who are your friends? What are you into?

To look at pictures of your beautiful smile and listen to videos of your voice and laughter and feel both immense joy and immense pain at the same time.

To know that everyone feels so sorry for you. And wants to help, but can’t.

To look for any little way that I can honor you everyday.

To wake up with 2 babies but go to sleep with 1.

To kiss your cold lifeless body and just want nothing more than to wake you up one more time.

To always be sad. Even when I’m happy.

To look at death as a reunion that I look forward to everyday.

To want so badly to share your story but so scared to bring you up because I do not know if the tears will stop.

To be so scared that you will be forgotten.

To want so badly that it hurts, to have your death to mean something in this life.”

It has been a while since my last blog. With everything going on in the world I felt the need to give everyone a break from my world.

I wanted to share with everyone some news. When our Kenzie died we were so confused. Alot of people were. Yes, 3 weeks prior she was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. And that was a shock to us because we do not have it in our family. Kenzie was so upset when she found out her life would be different. Her first question once she was coherent enough was, “Does this mean I can’t be in the military?!”. But her Auntie, who is an Airforce Captain, assured her it would be fine. And she had hope.

The next few weeks we worked very hard to get her insulin levels right. And we did. Her numbers were great. We checked her ketones, her blood sugar and her temperature 3 times a day and then at 2 am in the morning. But we had noticed she developed a cough in the hospital. The doctors told us this was normal for what she had gone through with her diabetic ketoacidosis that she went through and that she would recover. So we trusted that.

The day before she died she wanted to go back to school to see her friends and her strong little self did just that. She was so tired after that we told her, “How about you stay home and rest tomorrow?”. She woke up the next morning so sweet. Came out and gave us a big hug and said good morning. Minutes later, as I was about to take her little brother to school, it happened. I wont go into detail because that is our burden to bare. But it was horrible. Her cause of death was acute hemorrhagic necrotizing pneumonia.

Like I said. We were so confused. So many questions. I wanted to blame every single doctor. I wanted to blame myself. I’m sure others wanted to blame me too. So we hired an attorney. He hired a doctor completely unrelated to the case to review her records.

The result was, “No case.”. There were so many mixed emotions hearing that. I wanted to blame someone so bad. Even if it was me. The doctor said with tears in her eyes, “This isn’t what usually happens.”. She gave us statistics… told us what happened to Kenzie was a very low probability…

But then a peace came over me. I no longer had to be angry with anyone on this earth. Everyone tried their hardest to save my baby. I know that now. My only question was, “Do the doctors know?”. And they do. So my next prayer is that they take the next step.

We can all have hope. Please have hope. I see so many hopeless posts these days and I just want to shake people sometimes. Everyone wants to focus on what is going on in 2020 but my world died in 2019 and 2020 seems like nothing. Love on your loved ones. Stop letting politics divide. It is really not worth it. Tomorrow is never promised. Cherish what you have today.

With all that being said. I have peace. I can move on to my next step of healing. I can take it up with God. Who understands my anger. I can say to him, “I know she was yours to begin with.”. I can thank him for letting me have her for almost 12 years. I can thank him for bringing so many special people into our lives because of this tragedy.  I can have hope that there is a reason.

My Sweet Kenzie Girl,

I just wanted to take a moment to say I am so proud of you. I am so blessed to have had almost 12 years with you. I got to watch you grow into the most beautiful person I have ever met. I always thought I was the one teaching you how to act but in reality you have taught me more than anyone will ever know.

When we moved to California I knew you were so sad to leave your family and friends behind but I saw you embrace whatever situation you were put into. Moving meant, a new home, new neighbors, new school… and I saw you were sad and scared but you still owned it. You came into your new life and we all saw you blossom before our eyes.

I look at you today and I see a confident, sassy, humble, BEAUTIFUL girl. And that will never change. The lives you touched in the short time you had here impresses me everyday.

I want to let you know we will continue to live your legacy. We will try our best to live like you lived. Kind to everyone, a friend to the friendless, a Rae of Sunshine. I also want to thank you for that legacy. Without it I do not believe we would have survived losing you. Your family, friends, entire school.. the police dept… just everyone has helped us through this. Your little brother has the best guardian angel… thank you.

I just went through your backpack and your room to locate all of the books you had that belonged to the school because they are due back tomorrow. That was hard… I saw drawings and writing that touched my heart. You are so talented. I was so excited to see that part of you grow as well. I found your flute. I want to keep it. I know you hated when I made you practice but I loved seeing you and your confidence everytime you had a solo at a concert. (I’m hoping to buy your flute from the school… watch out.. mommy might start playing soon… 🙉).

Please continue to watch over us. We still need it. Everyday is a new challenge and you always could handle a good challenge with a smile on your face! Through this challenge I will try my hardest not to feel robbed of the moments I didn’t get with you but rejoice in all the sweet, thoughtful, silly and goofy moments that I did get. I love you forever Mackenzie.

Love,

Mommy

• 

I’m sure at some point in our lives we have all yelled this out. Sometimes for silly reasons, sometimes for very serious reasons. I know I have definitely yelled this at the top of my lungs, especially lately. We all wonder this. We all hope for a reason why we have to go through something so hard.

24 years ago today my Dad died. Him and my mom were separated at the time and he was living in Louisiana with my Grandma. The hope at the time was they would work things out and he would come home to us in Washington. I was only 7 so of course that was my hope.

I will never forget the day I found out. My uncle (my Dad’s brother) randomly pulled up to our house while we were outside playing with the neighbor kids. I was so excited to see him! I asked where my cousins were and why he didn’t bring them. He was polite and entertained my questions for a minute but by the look on his face and his determination to get to the door I knew something was up. But I had friends over so it was not my concern. Well my sister apparently had other plans because she sneakily followed my uncle in. Not more than 2 minutes later my little sister (4 years old) runs out to tell us all while she is bawling “Daddy is dead!!”. I did not believe her. I ran into the house and down to my mom’s room to see her broken in my uncle’s arms and I knew it was true. There was a lump in my throat but I did not want to face it. I immediately ran outside to get to play with my friends again. They had already ran home to tell their parents what Megan said and their mom made them stay home to give us space. I was so sad. I just wanted to not believe it. I wanted to keep playing. I went inside to get the story and was told that my Dad had died in a drowning accident. I still couldn’t believe it. That was my first taste of, “why me?!”.

Fast forward to today. Those words come out of my mouth more times a day then I can count. And of course you never get an answer right away to that question but I can tell you that my Dad dying has prepared me for this nightmare I am going through now. I had to survive that tragedy. And I have to survive this one. I can now see the blessings that came out of that day. It took me 24 years but I can look at my life and see where it made me stronger. I gained an amazing man as a father, my step dad, Craig, who I love and appreciate so much everyday. He has loved us 3 kids as his own and loves my mom unconditionally everyday. I have the words for my son and husband since I know loss. I can hang on to the hope I get to see them again because I’ve been holding onto that hope already for 24 years.

My Dad’s name is Charlie Ray. I named my first born after him. Mackenzie Rae. She always had so many questions about her “Grandpa Charlie” in heaven. Well in this darkness I am trying to look at the light. My baby girl got to meet her grandpa. They are probably still catching up and being so silly because they were both goof balls. All I can say is heaven is going to be one happy reunion.

Today I am thanking God that there is a reason for this pain. I will hang onto hope that we will know someday. Even if it takes 24 years or more. ❤

“Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true”

If you know Disney at all you know this song is from Cinderella. I used to sing this to my Kenzie when she was a baby while I put her to sleep. This special song has a new meaning to me.

Dreams are crazy. Sometimes you know they are dreams. Sometimes you don’t. There are so many theories on dreams, scientific and spiritual.

Last night I had a dream about my girl. I have had dreams about her before but they were the scary ones, the sad ones… her in the hospital or reliving “that morning”. But this one was so different.

My sister and I were picking Bremner up from school together and the office lady said, “What about Mackenzie? Are you picking her up too?” I was so confused. “She said, “she is sleeping at her desk.” Meg and I immediately ran to her class and sure enough she was practically drooling on her desk the way she always slept. I said, “Mackenzie we are here baby! Wake up, it’s time to go home!” She sat up blinked open her eyes and smiled so pretty and said, “Hi, Mommy and Auntie!” She was so excited to see us. I immediately grabbed her and hugged her. I felt her warmth in my arms. I kissed her head and smelled her hair. Was it really her? How could this be?! We started driving home to tell Kenny. I immediately called her Dad to tell him because I was pretty good at keeping him updated when it came to things with her. He couldn’t believe it. Which did make me question it a bit… My mind started racing. It felt so real… it had to be real. I changed route and decided I would take her to the hospital. I had to figure out how to keep her. I started thinking about how we saw her pass, how her ashes were in my living room. How could this be? Maybe those weren’t her ashes? Maybe she was just asleep? On the way to the hospital we had so much fun laughing and giggling, taking silly selfies with dog filters and cracking up. It was so real and so special. Well then we got to the hospital and I woke up.

When I woke up I laid in bed for a bit, first sad about the fact it was a dream but then I started thinking about, wow what a blessing that she gave me that beautiful dream. That she came to see me and for once my mind didn’t turn it into a sad, scary dream but a happy dream, filled with laughter and silliness and warm hugs. How I wish I could’ve just stayed in that dream forever instead of reality crashing down on me, again. It taught me a very valuable lesson though. I know now next time I see her in my dreams I will know it is a dream but I will embrace it. I will laugh even more, hug even more. Talk even more. Kiss her head even more.

Like the song says, “If you keep on believing, the dream that you wish will come true”. Well I know in reality that is not possible. My wish is for my girl to be here. But maybe what I was supposed to learn is that, that dream was my dream coming true. Even though it was brief I got that time with her again. I got to love on her again and hear her laugh again. That’s all I can wish for anymore these days. I’m going to welcome her into my dreams with open arms now. Knowing that it is her, she is here, just not in this world. But she is still checking up on us and watching out for us. Maybe I have finally healed enough to see her as the Kenzie I knew before this nightmare happened and I am so thankful for that.

Mommy loves you my sweet Kenzie. Thank you so much for that beautiful dream and please come see me as often as you like. ❤😇

Tomorrow is Easter. I can’t help but think about all 11 of the amazing Easters I had with Kenzie. I have been looking through pictures and she always had the best smile and never let her brother get all the eggs! I loved watching them wake up and see their baskets. And then the excitement when they looked outside and saw the Easter bunny even hid some eggs!
Last year we got the confetti eggs and had an epic (and messy) egg hunt that I will never forget. And best believe the confetti eggs are already in play this year as well…
Of course I am so sad right now. Of course I want to scream at God and wonder, “Why?”. I even contemplated not doing Easter. I mean school isn’t in session… Brem probably wouldn’t even know if we skipped it this year. But that is not what Easter is about. It is not about the eggs or the baskets or the bunny. We are celebrating Jesus rising from the dead. Not only did he rise from the dead, but he endured an amount of torture no one should ever face. And his father, our father, had to watch his son face so much fear and brutality. So today I have to look to God and say I know you know my hurt. You know more than my hurt. But we will all get through every path of life. We will persevere. And we will always know there is life after death.
Tomorrow is a celebration of life! It is so ironic to say that. Before I lost my girl I never thought of Easter like that. Of course we talked about what Jesus went through with the kiddos, (pg rated)… but the eggs, candy and bunny took the real glory. In this time let’s please focus on the fact our God, or higher power, whatever you want to call him gave his son. Knowing the hardships he would go though. For us.
I feel at least a sense of comfort knowing he did it for a reason. A big reason. So there has to be a reason he took Kenzie too. If we dont see it now we have to have hope we will someday. This virus has given us a chance to focus on who we still have. Taking the time we have with them and making it special. Playing games, talking, eating all the leftovers the next week because we don’t want to go to the store… There is a bigger picture here. There has to be! We dont have to all lose someone to realize this. Just be open and think about it today and tomorrow. We are blessed with this day. We are blessed with everyday.

I want you all to have a very Happy Easter. Love on the ones in your house and reach out to the ones who aren’t. ❤🦋🐞☀️😇🙏🌻🌿💒

Hey friends and family and whoever else wants to read this! I decided being stuck in the house was the perfect time to start a blog. Journaling was helping somewhat but I had such an outpouring of love when Mackenzie died that I wanted to share this journey with anyone who might want to listen. The blog will probably always be evolving but this was on my heart to post today.

During this quarantine it has really forced my little family to face the fact that our Mackenzie has died. I long with my whole heart to hear her and Bremner play and to cuddle up with BOTH my babies (one under each arm) as we binge watch ALL the shows. To work through homeschooling with them, to hear her play her flute… Even though this is a hard time for everyone, please remember this. I only wish I got to be in quarantine with my girl. There are so many conversations we would’ve gotten to have. So many walks to go on. So much nature to discover. So many crafts to do. My sweet Bremner would have a playmate. Someone to laugh with, fight with, make forts with… I could tuck both my babies in at night and know they were safe. I wish I could stop imagining the entire scary, heartbreaking month of November. I wish so many things during this time of no outside distractions. Just us 4 again is all I long for. On this long journey of trying to heal I picked up a book my mom found that I’m sure unless you lost a baby, most people would not pick up. It is a survival guide for a mourning mother. My mom and I began reading it together and I appreciate it so much because she always tells me it gives her an insight to the my suffering. Since most people don’t understand and I pray most people won’t I wanted to say please,
1. Try not to complain about your kids too much during this time. Have patience. This is a crazy time for them too.
2. If someone has lost a loved one do not ask, “what happened?” or “was it diabetes?” or “maybe it was the virus?”. Chances are we have already gone through these questions every other thought. If you have asked me this, I am not mad or upset. It is a natural question. But it still hurts even though that is not your intention. It takes alot to verbalize “what happend?”  so let them come to you with that information.
3. And last be kind to everyone. Everyone is scared. No one wants to get sick or worse… lose someone they love. Give people their space in the grocery store, dont take ALL the supplies, smile and say hi to people… little things like that go a long way right now.

I love you all and I am finally in a better place with God so please know I am praying for all of us 💗