As things are opening up and we are coming out of hiding I have definitely had to face losing my baby even more than ever. For the last year and a half I have been around mostly only people that know what happened.
As we are venturing out I am getting the, “normal” questions. And they really are normal questions for most people. And they used to be normal for me too. But people lately are seeing us out, whether it be Brem and I or Ken as well, but it always comes out, “Is he your only one?”.
So at first I tried to play it off at martial arts with Brem. I said, “no I have a daughter too.” And then, next question, “Oh how old is she?!” I said, “She is 13.” Still hoping the questions would stop there… she says, “Where is she? How is it raising a daughter compared to a boy? I have a 12 year old boy.” And I had to spill the beans. It was awkward. I teared up. She felt horrible. I see her son at martial arts, but I haven’t seen her again.
Tonight. We are out of town in North Carolina and we decide to take Brem to a local fair happening. This woman recognized me from a ride we all went on together while Brem and Ken were in line for a ride we strike up a conversation. Just small talk. And again, “Is he your only one?”. Well this time I decided to play it safe. “Yes. He is my only one.”. She wasn’t done. “Well won’t you try for another one?” And again I had to spill the beans… She asked me how it happened, if I thought covid was involved (NO. DON’T ASK ME THAT. IT WAS NOT.) I answered the questions. She gave me a huge hug with tears in her eyes and we parted ways.
This new life is wierd. And hard. I just want to go back to my life that I knew. The life that I thought I had. My husband, my girl, and my boy but reality is definitely settling in more and more all the time. I just pray someday I will have the answers. I know the people asking these questions have absolutely no ill intent. I also know they do not expect to hear what I have to say.
I also know I do not ever want to stop talking about her and I want people to know I have 2 babies that I did and do everything for. I have come to realize I need to learn to navigate these conversations. I need to be prepared. And this is my next step in this process. I am not the first or the last that has had to figure this out so I have hope but it is still hard and wierd.
I will be her advocate. I will say her name. And I will be strong. Yes. I have 2 babies. My sweet precious boy, Bremner, who you can see here today. And I also have a beautiful baby girl who is my angel in heaven. She is 13. I will see her again.
She is Ok. 